I haven’t posted since my first posts. Partly because I’ve been busy, and partly because I’ve been flaking out hard. This sort of exposure is still hard for me to wrap my head around. I dont do it. Expressing myself isnt something that comes easily and yet here I am potentially posting very personal posts(that lay drafted and unpublished). I’m using pictures of myself and my name (not my first name mind you.). I’m allowing people to see things that are some times hard for me to acknowledge myself.
I also run the risk that someone I do personally know will stumble across this. I’m not hiding anything or twisting tall tales (unless i post otherwise about a short fictional story or poem ect). Its more the things im sharing. I dont want people to read things they didnt previously know and suddenly change their perceptions of me because of it. That even though I’ll change the names in more personal stories, they’ll recognise the people I’m talking about and will no longer look at them the same. I’m generally pretty open and honest about my thoughts and past. But there are some things I keep quiet about, simply because I know it upsets people around me.
My struggle to express myself is more because of the way the people around me respond. Its not always pretty and some topics are pretty heavy. They can make people i care about feel angry, upset, sad and sometimes even guilty and that in turn makes me feel bad because i brought up those emotions for them. It’s really the guilt that gets to me alot. Like, Why do you gotta make my pain, your fault fam? Some things were unpreventable and you blaming yourselves makes it harder, not easier for me to deal. I keep alot bottled up for this very reason.
But that was the whole point of the blog. I want to push myself so I can find myself. To break my limits and get to know me better. This is suppose to be the place where I can and will speak about what I want. Everything from the joy to the sorrow and That includes the hard, heavy and upsetting.
This is for me. For me to express myself and me to have that safe place. That place where I can say whatever I need, feel, or whatever random things my mind wanders into . This is my mental walkabout. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.